2005-04-09 - 12:55 a.m.
It's 12:35am on Friday night - I have to be up in five and a half hours to go volunteer at the Yuri's Night 5k, but I'm up - I can't sleep. I really don't know what I'm doing - I don't know what to do - I feel so lost, so I thought I would just start writing and see what came out. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, not the least of which is what my friends will think of me when they read this. Then again, I do like the idea of my friends knowing everything about me - it always helps when you have nothing to hide. Anyway, I'm not going to think about that - I'm just going to write and write and see what comes out. In the past, it is one of the few things which has helped, so for now, it is my go-to.
I don't know where to start - I guess I'll start by explaining how I feel right now. Or should I start with how it all started? I don't really know how it all started - I know how it didn't start, if that makes any sense. You know how whenever you hear about someone killing themselves, the thing you see on tv is that person's family crying. I could never ever put my family through that - sometimes I think that if I were die before my mother, she would kill herself the next day. Of course, ideally, that should not be the only reason why you wouldn't want to do away with yourself - you should also want to live, enjoy your life, but to be honest, right now, and for the past week, I don't. It's really scary seeing it written down, but I don't. If there were someway to not live anymore without upseting my family and friends, and without actually having to commit that action - I think I would prefer that. I would say that I am depressed, but that doesn't quite do it justice. Honestly - I don't want to be alive right now.
Don't worry - this is not a suicide note - I am not going to do anything rash. Well, not that kind of rash. I am toying with the idea of just getting in my car and driving home. Showing up at my mom's doorstep and crying in her arms until everything seems alright. That has always done it in the past. I remember in France when this whole sharade started, and I called her crying, and she made me feel like it wasn't ok, and I was so upset, but then she explained that she only reacted that way because it hurt her so much to hear me in pain. I called her crying when Zoe died, and she told me I had to be strong, and that made me cry more, then she started to cry. But I think if she knew what I was feeling right now, crying wouldn't be so bad - I miss my mom.
I want to go home - I want these thoughts to stop - I want to stop feeling this way. Normal people don't feel this way - I want to be normal. I am so tired of getting up every morning and taking four different pills in an effort to be "normal" and the damn things aren't working. Today I stayed in bed all day - I didn't go to work, I didn't call my boss, I didn't do anything. I woke up and had several important meeting to go to, and I couldn't find the will to get up and shower and get dressed, so I stayed in bed and slept until 3pm. Then I felt fine - I drove Jo to the airport and went to dinner with friends and saw a movie and I was feeling ok - then they left and I'm back here again, sitting in the dark writing aimlessly.
I looked up the crisis help line a moment ago and I am thinking about calling it. But will that help - is that the appropriate thing to do? Surely there are people much worse off than me - I feel guilty for even thinking about calling it. Isn't it funny how the highlight of your week can be a text message that someone sent you? That's not why I'm upset - I'll miss all my friends when they leave, but I don't think that's it. I don't know what it is - I just don't want to be here at all right now.
I wonder if this is what Gail talks about when she talks about "a cry for help." How silly - I have two dear friends sleeping within twenty feet of me who would take me anywhere and have me committed to any institution I wanted - all I would have to do is ask. But I don't want it to be that way - I am not crazy, I swear it! I'm just sad - I'm sad and I don't know why - please don't think I'm crazy.
$298 to fly home tomorrow - and it's refundable too - and I just got paid. Would my mom be upset that I was upset? Would my dad and his new wife help me out? I used to be so well-adjusted and happy - I used to be so happy! Now I sit on hammocks, sip at beer and cry until I fall asleep, waking up three hours later with bug bites all over me. I don't know what to do - and I don't think this writing thing is making me feel any better. I am going to sleep.
