2005-05-16 - 3:00 p.m.
Dear all my friends,
You may or may not know this, but I think it's time I was open with everyone. When I first got here, I was miserable. I wasn't sure what to do, so I went to a counselor at the EAP who then sent me to a psychiatrist who said that I was a freak. Well, actually she said I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but it's more fun to use humor to soften the tone. You may have noticed that in the last week, I have been happier than many of you have ever seen me. Well, I thought I would give you an update on what's going on and why things are going better now.
As it turns out, everyone is obsessive. That is to say, you aren't either obsessive or not - obsessiveness is a scaled quantity, not a binary one. So there are some who can leave there room a mess, their life in disorder, be free-willed and easy going and happy no matter what - these people are on one end of the scale. Then there are those who keep a very clean house and can't sleep if their checkbook isn't balanced - these are on the same end of the scale, but a little closer to the middle. Some people find themselves obsessing about very silly things - not that unusual in and of itself, but they get to the point where they can't function for reasons that would seem silly to anyone else. Ah…well that's more to the other end of the scale.
My whole life, I've had obsessions. I would go through phases when I would be interested in one thing and one thing only, and I would learn all about it and talk of nothing but it and then I would move on to another obsession. This was never a problem - it didn't really disturb my life. When I was eight years old, my mother took me grocery shopping and while she did the shopping, I ran around asking strangers questions (hard to imagine, right?) Anyway, when it was time to go, she found me crying next to one of the produce stands. She asked me why and all I could say was that I had lost count.
I'm a counter - that is to say, I count things and if the numbers don't work out the way I want them to, it drives me crazy…quite literally. In my childhood, I would run around the produce stands counting how many times I had gone around to one side before running the other way the same number of times. I still do that to this day - but more subtly. If I turn to the right to speak to someone, I turn to the left to speak to the next person. In ballet class, if I practice ten pirouettes to the right, I have to do ten to the left. This isn't a problem - it doesn't disturb my life.
Other things do. I am very competitive - this is how my OCD manifests itself in me. My girlfriend is a dancer, and there was a time when I was in France when I would wake up in the middle of the night and stretch and exercise because she was in class at that time and I had to be too or I would lose it. When she would call me to tell me exciting news about something she had accomplished in dance, I would hang up furious and find someway to equal that, or burst her bubble if I couldn't. Doesn't sound like the end of the world until you realize that every second of my life that is not spent specifically thinking about something else is spent thinking about whatever my obsession-du-jour is. It is stressful, it is upsetting, and it drives me to the brink of rash acts.
A few weeks ago, it reached a breaking point. At one of my therapy sessions, I told my therapist that I would much rather just not be alive right now rather than deal with the thoughts in my head. She decided it was time to go one step further and set me up with a psychologist who deals exclusively with OCD patients. I went and saw her for the first time two weeks ago.
I sat down with this lady for an hour and told her everything I was thinking, all the ridiculous things that could ruin my day and how it made me just want to go away. She knew exactly what I was talking about - she could practically complete my sentences. More importantly, she knows how to help. She explained that the way out of this is difficult and full or hard work, but clear and existent. It is a type of therapy which has been used for decades now called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). It can be summed up with a few words - turn around and face the obsessions you have spent your life living with or running away from.
Imagine a plot of anxiety vs. time. Not surprisingly, I have a set of triggers (obsessions) which sent my anxiety level up and a set of quick-fixes which I apply and which never work. Well, actually they work for just a moment - then the anxiety comes back stronger than it was before. So imagine Tiffany calls me and says she got cast in a dance piece, and my anxiety shoots up. I say something negative about it, and it comes down for a moment, until the guilt brings it back up. So I apply another quick-fix…I think to myself "I could do it too if I were there". It comes down, but I'm not there and I don't know that for a fact, so it goes back up even higher. Over time, the effect is to create more and more anxiety until it makes your life a living hell.
Now imagine instead of avoiding or trying to get rid of our obsessions, we face them. When she tells me about her success, despite all the pain and frustration it will cause, I ask her all about it. I ask questions, I discuss it, I compliment her. The anxiety stays and stays and pretty soon, you are so habituated to it that it doesn't bother you anymore. It is no longer an anxiety. The next time I face a trigger, the anxiety level starts out lower, and it goes away quicker. One by one, you knock off all your triggers and learn not to let them cause you anxiety.
Along the way, something else has happened - you have learned to recognize something that is going to be a trigger and how to stop it before it stops you. The process isn't easy, and it takes time (six months at least), but the success rate is very encouraging. More importantly, it's working already. I haven't been this happy in three years - I wish I had found her earlier.
So I wanted to tell you that I am doing better, and I really appreciate all your patience with me. I'll keep you up to date, and while I'm not done with my "freak" phase yet, I'm working on closing that out being as happy as I used to be.
Just wanted to let you know,
Nicholas
P.S. On a completely unrelated note, I am reading the book "He's just not that into you" right now. I know, I know - it is a book written for girls, but a friend suggested it and she was right - it makes you feel so good about yourself and it opens your eyes to so many things that all of us should know, but that we sometimes forget.
Whether it is a friend or a romantic interest, if you find that your love isn't being returned, move on. It doesn't mean that person is evil or heartless, it just means that he/she is just not that into you - and we are all far too fabulous to waste what little time we have on people who don't realize how much they're missing.
