2005-06-15 - 2:47 p.m.
Go online and Google the words ‘premarital sex’ and ‘bible’ – you will be inundated with Christian websites explaining that committing premarital sex is a sin of roughly the same magnitude as setting off a dirty bomb in the middle of Time Square. 91,000 sites are devoted to the topic – I even found one with a list of sexual activities of which God would approve (go figure, a threesome with two Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders didn’t make the list). Being that I take great pleasure in poking fun at issues most find far too sacred for humor, I thought it only natural that I should write my own article supporting premarital sex. After all, when was the last time a piece of paper got anyone into trouble.
First off, the bible never once says “thou shalt not commit premarital sex” or “thou shalt get married before thou getteth off” or even “thou shalt not putteth thy thingy into a chick lest thou have boughteth her a ring.” What the bible does say throughout the new testament is that you should not commit fornication (e.g. For this is the will of God…that ye should abstain from fornication 1 Thessalonians 4:3). Actually, it doesn’t even say that – it says:
However, since few of us actually know how to read ancient Greek, various scholars have done us the service of translating the whole damn thing into every language imaginable. See that last word in the passage – it’s pronounced porneia and in Greek, it means illicit sexual intercourse. As such, it has been translated through the ages as a half dozen different words, including adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, bestiality, incest and others. Pre-marital sex is a form of fornication (sex outside of marriage), but it is none of these others. So which word did God really mean porneia to mean? Nobody knows for sure – including the people who tell you that pre-marital sex is a sin. Go read the book for yourselves and decide what it means to you – after all, isn’t a personal interpretation of the bible the goal of every Christian.
Biblical scholars know this – that’s why there are also thousands of articles explaining that even if porneia is not translated as fornication, the bible still tells us in other ways that premarital sex is a sin. They then take ten or twelve passages from different books of the bible and use them in conjunction to drive home this point. This idea of putting different passages from a book together to make it say what you want it to say sounds like fun, I think I’ll try it the next time I’m suffering from a total lack of evidence.
Enough with the boring truth – let’s get down to the real issue here. Kids, sex is fun - really fun. You know how sometimes you see a guy going to unbelievable lengths just to get a girls attention? It has nothing to do with love or companionship – we can get that from a dog. It has to do with sex. Truthfully, we can get that from a dog too, but then we’d be violating two of the six translations for porneia, plus girls tend to be prettier and less hairy.
Not only is sex fun, but it gets better as you do it more. In fact, to be perfectly honest, it’s not all that great the first few times, especially for the girl. When you think of sex, you probably envision scenes like those you’ve seen at the movies where the girl is shouting the guys name in between moans and cries of passion. Actually, the first few times you do it, you’re so bad at it that the girl has to spend more time saying things like “go slowly” and “be gentle” and “that’s my belly-button.” Since you know it’s going to take some time to become good at it, why not start early?
Finally, there’s the issue of money. Having sex with someone only after you’ve married them means you can only have sex with one person per marriage. Consider that you want to have sex with twenty women in your lifetime. Using the Christian method, that would require twenty marriages and nineteen divorces. With the average prices of weddings and divorces at $30,000 and $2000 respectively, you’re looking at a total cost of over $600,000! Now apply the Saadah method. Let’s assume sex on the second date (after all, some girls are old-fashioned). That means that even if you are taking these girls on high-class, $200 dates (like going to places with tablecloths and a guy who hands you towels in the bathroom), you’d still only pay $8000! That’s a savings of over 7500%. Premarital sex is expensive – trust me, I ran the numbers.
So as you can see kids, sex before marriage will make you cool and rich, which means you’ll be able to get even more premarital sex and become even cooler. And besides, what’s the worst that could happen – you have a life full of sexual ecstasy and end up burning in hell. That wouldn’t be so bad – all the fun people will be getting it on in hell anyway.
